People are always saying to me, “Rob, you’re almost forty and you’re employed and that’s about it. You have it all.” And I’m like, “I know, right?”

But success isn’t easy. There’s a lot of procrastination and failed shortcuts. My advice? Focus on your routine. What things can you do daily to postpone your goals just a little bit?

Here’s just a few of my powerups!

Watch Key and Peele Sketches on Youtube

The key (pun intended!) to this one is constant repetition since it yields new favorites. For example, perhaps you thought Awesome Hitler Story was kind of meh on first viewing but, after twenty-seven viewings, you realize that that dude form Modern Family is hilarious in it. Little Homie, The Family Matters sketch, there’s more here than just the East/West Bowl!

Pro Tip: Mix it up with a Mr. Show sketch every now and then.

Drink Lots of Coffee and Lots of Water

You can’t just want to avoid work, you have to take steps to succeed in work avoidance. You know when you aren’t at your computer? When you’re peeing! Coffee is a diuretic, so, drinking that plus water, means you have to get up to pee more. It’s the accumulation of small steps that makes a difference.

“When there’s no one in the bathroom, I still wash my hands after I pee.” – Steve Jobs

Be Really Indecisive About Lunch

Wander around your work neighborhood and be like “should I have Potbelly again or should I get a salad?” You’ll wander and, before you know it, you’ve wasted half an hour.

Pro Tip: Promise yourself you’ll make something from home to bring tomorrow. Then don’t.

Check Facebook Incessantly

There are funny videos and articles to read. Check them all! Did anyone like your latest status update in the past thirty seconds? How about now? How about now? How about now?

“Yeah, check Facebook.” – Mark Zuckerberg

Make Lists

Hey, guys, just this once, put the apps aside and get analog! Get a pen and paper and write down your to-do’s, your wishlist, whatever! Once you’ve made that list, make another one. Then organize your lists. Here’s a list I made the other day!

1. yogurt
2. Oprah Winfrey
4. church?

Pro tip: Lists don’t have to make sense. Just make them.

That Meaningless Thought Passing Through Your Head For a Millisecond? Research the Shit Out Of It!

Wait, did Jason Patric date Julia Roberts first or was it Kiefer Sutherland? Oh, it was Kiefer, then Jason and Julia ran off together ending Kiefer and Jason’s friendship they formed while filming The Lost Boys. Wait, Jason Patric is Jackie Gleason’s grandson? No way. And his father was a playwright who played a Jesuit priest in The Exorcist. My tenth grade English teacher Fr. Costello was very into 70’s cinema and mentioned The Exorcist and Billy Friedkin, though he was more into Brian DePalma and Hitchcock.

If you link one thought to the next thought to the next, you can waste an entire day!

“Damn, I need a nap.” – Elon Musk