Like most people who aren’t me, I’m sure you wake up every day, look in the mirror and say, “why aren’t I more successful?” Rest assured, it’s your fault. The good news is that you are capable of ceasing to be a feckless waste of potential but only if you’re willing to put the work in, which you probably aren’t.

Here are just a few of habits that I’ve cultivated to live a fully actualized life.

I eat only three grams of protein once every four hundred and eighty-seven days.

Like everyone else in our brainwashed cultue, I’m guessing you eat daily, perhaps even multiple times per day. All of those excess calories are unnecessary. My nutritionist and I have created this plan. For other people, I’m sure it would be difficult to stick to. I, however, feel nourished and full. I can’t wait until January 18, 2017! Just kidding. I actually can.

I have literally never slept a day in my life.

The human body needs sleep? Myth. Have you ever had a doctor tell you, “homo sapiens need sleep in order to survive”? No. You haven’t. Because it’s not true. While you lie inert and unconcious in your bed, I’m working.

When speaking, I only use present tense verbs.

Yes, I am writing to you in full sentences right now but that is merely to compensate for you, the unenlightened word addict. When’s the last time you really enjoyed an adjective? To demonstrate, here is a recent conversation I had. “Speak. Eat. Leave.” There, I just had Thanksgiving with my parents. Now back to work.

My partner and I do not communicate.

I don’t believe my partner speaks English though I have never asked. We have a mutually beneficial partnership that includes joint accounts and offspring (I believe). When’s the last time you argued with your spouse and though, “I’m glad I did that”? Exactly. Time consuming and wasteful. Share your feelings? Why? Feelings are a trick of the mind and empathy is an illusion.

Every day I purchase a television, then I throw it away.

It is a constant reminder of my rejection of passivity. Oh, I’m sorry, have you ever heard of a book? I have too. Those are also a distraction. Books on tape at quadruple speed is the only way to consume literature.

I consciously reject smell as it is an extraneous sense.

I’ve always felt that five senses are for more than any being should require. Smell is a vestigial sense at best. Life is about choices. If you want to waste synapses on useless information, be my guest.

Due to my intense meditation practice, I have not had an errant thought since 1987.

Racing thoughts? Worry? Thoughts of the future or the past? Eliminated. My brain is the mighty Mississippi and thoughts are just water. They pass through but never stop. My brain is for calculations, recalled facts and – for now – unconscious physical activity. Oh really, brainstem? You’re “regulating” my heart rate and breathing? Don’t get me started…

I have never been to a bathroom or bathed.

I refer to my grooming as paleo maintenance. Homo sapiens were not meant to visit a separate shame room a few times daily merely for having bodies. Without bathing, my skin has actually reached an equilibrium with my environment. Over the course of a year, I save several days of time. Can you say the same?

Every fortnight a weightlifter on steroids kicks me eight times in the abdomen.

Focused contraction of my abdominal muscles coupled with the swift controlled release of cortisol in my brain has produced an effective metabolism-boosting workout. It takes anywhere from two to four and a half minutes depending on the anger of the weightlifter. Why haven’t more people adopted my workout? Mental weakness.

While you are eating food, taking walks, having “conversations” with “friends”, and looking at sunsets, I am achieving. I am better than you. You’re welcome. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go make an app or give a Ted talk or something.