I don’t know a New Yorker who doesn’t fantasize about not living in New York. (I assume perfectly content New Yorkers exist but they must be wealthy enough to have a lot of space in this city and probably a second home.) So, we play what I’ll call the New York Game. Here’s how you play. Travel to or google another city and then ask yourself, “Could I live here?”

Then let your mind be free. Fantasize about reasonable rents and backyards. If you’d like, think about the car you might have and how easy it would be to park it in your driveway or on a not that crowded street. Think of the clean supermarkets and the nice people everywhere.

And then, eventually, let your mind come back and start asking yourself, “Yeah, but what would I actually do there?” Then start thinking about how most places don’t have twenty-four hour public transportation (crappy though it may be). In most places the pizza place (and there’s only one good one) closes at 9:00 on a week night. And yeah, tickets to whatever concert won’t sell out in ten seconds but when was the last time you went to a concert?

And thus you return to your New York equilibrium and you keep hitting yourself in the head with that hammer because it feels so good when you stop.

So, here are my cities when I’m playing the New York Game. I’m separating them into places I probably won’t ever live in and places I know I’ll never live in.

Places I Fantasize About Moving to but Probably Won’t

Portland, OR

Beer, donuts, coffee, a cool used book store, a professional soccer team, and Pacific Northwest weather perfect for an indoor kid like me. What’s not to love about Portland?

Well, for starters, it’s almost synonymous with hipsterism and I’m saying that as a Brooklynite. Could I really be that basic as to move from Brooklyn to Portland? Though, the fact that I have the presence of mind to even ask that might be evidence that I am cool enough to live there? I don’t know. It’s a cool city but maybe too cool.

Rochester, NY

My hometown is actually pretty great. I went there last October, which is the month that upstate New York uses to trick you into living there. I look at home prices there sometimes and think of the palace (two bedroom home) I could get.

I have literally no idea what my life would be like there, though. I have adopted family there, so, that would be great. But I have no idea what I would do for work. And I don’t think there’s much of a comedy scene.

But Wegmans and garbage plates. This option is always on my mind.

Austin, TX

Hip town, good food, good music, and 115 degrees in the summer… shut it down.

Burlington, VT

I’m a northeasterner at heart and Vermont is a great state, so, I just picked this city at random. Ultimately, I think a Vermont move is a few decades away. I’m not exactly at my cabin in the woods phase yet. But I’m checking out this tiny home phenomenon and I’m making plans.

Athens, GA/Chapel Hill, NC/Ann Arbor, MI/Madison, WI

There’s something about college towns. There’s a vibrant energy because of the kids and it’s like its own little ecosystem. Plus, college towns empty out during the summer and it’s such a cool feeling to have your city to yourself. I experienced that once in a summer I spent in Ithaca. It was great.

On the other hand, I have never been to any of the above mentioned cities and am merely going on the third hand opinion that these cities are pretty cool. And college kids lend a vibrance to a city but I’m forty-one years old. They’re still kids. And then there’s that pesky problem of needing to have a job of some sort. I’m not the most ambitious fella but I’m more ambitious than part time barista.

Pittsburgh, PA

Again, I’ve heard it’s cool. And it’s cheap. They film movies there. There’s an improv scene. I’ve heard it referred to as the new Portland.

But if I’m going to move to the new Portland, why not just move to Portland?

Philadelphia, PA

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for Philadelphia. I spend every Thanksgiving there and I spent a lot of time in West Philadelphia visiting my first girlfriend while she was in vet school. It’s a cool, affordable city.

I can’t live there because of the sports fans, though. I’m not joking. I’m scared of them. I would never be able to relax there.

Oakland, CA

I know very little about Oakland other than white people like me are starting to gentrify it. But I wanted to include a bay area city that isn’t San Francisco. I love northern California and it would be an ideal place to live. I just don’t know if I could afford anything around there.

Seattle, WA

It’s like Portland for adults! It’s not as hip but just as rainy. I’ve never been there but I’m keeping it in the mental list.

Places I Don’t Even Fantasize About Moving To

San Francisco, CA

Can’t live there even though it’s totally my speed. I visited once and I loved it but I can’t stand tech culture. It’s out.

Florida

I’m writing off the entire state. Sorry, I just can’t handle it. I went there for a bachelor party once and I got to see what Florida was like for people who actually live there and it seemed like it was all strip malls and breast implants. And that’s the part that ain’t gators. People want to retire to Florida. Why? Because it’s sunny? There’s more to life than sun, people. Ask all of Great Britain and Scandinavia.

Chicago, IL

You do improv, you should go to Chicago! Eh, no thanks. I’ll visit but isn’t Chicago like the midwest’s New York? It always comes up in my mind but I’ve never really entertained it. I’m not sure why.

Connecticut

Yeah, I’m writing off another state. If you want to stay in New York long term, the burbs may be in your future. I have friends who live in Westchester and New Jersey. I can handle those burbs. But Connecticut? Stamford, Greenwich, Westport, wherever. I’m not that white and I’m not that rich.

Long Island

In my childhood Long Island was just an idea. It was something I had heard of. Then I went to college in New York state and Long Island was everywhere. It’s the embodiment of everything I hate about the suburbs. Long Island is a cold Florida that smells like Drakkar Noir. I’ll see you in hell before I see you in Long Island. Too harsh? Eh, not harsh enough.

***

And so I’m back to New York, Brooklyn specifically. I can’t picture my life anywhere else at the moment. Things can always change, though.

I’ve always said that a great part of living in New York is returning. Another great part is returning. You step out of the cab, subway, or train station and think, “I’m back. I’m home.”