In therapy tonight, I was talking about how I’m always dissatisfied with what I’m doing, fully aware that I’ve always felt that way and that I might always feel that way. It was really about getting to the root of why I feel this way, rather than bemoaning the current state of my life. Things are going pretty well in my life right now.

Relatively.

Why do I say that? Relative to what, exactly?

This is the problem.

I still compare myself to others. I look at friends who are more successful than I am.

“What do you mean by success?” my therapist asked.

More money.

“Okay.”

And I look at people that I knew who are now working actors or film directors and wonder why I never made it that far.

“Is that what you want, though?”

I don’t know, I mean, I’ve been on film sets and I didn’t think to myself, this is where I need to be, I really wish that I were directing this.

“Right, I never got that sense from you.”

But what about everything else in my life? My job. I should be, like, a manager or something, not a front end developer that I’ve been for the past twenty years. This blog. I like it when I get a hundred views in a day, how do I get a thousand? Running. I’m running a half marathon on Saturday. I should think about running a full marathon, do 9 + 1, run NYC next year. Today I made a list of things I want to get form my apartment. A standing lamp. Rustic wooden wall shelves. A new mattress from one of those online mattress companies. I should remodel my kitchen. No, my bathroom.

Wanting more has always kept me moving forward. Feeling like I’m not good enough has kept me from stagnating.

But it’s getting tiring. When do I get to say, this, this right here? This is good.