Look, I’m not going to get too specific here because I don’t want to ruin the space time continuum. #backtothefuture

That thing with the pound sign and no spaces is called a hashtag. I won’t bother explaining what it is because it’s not worth your time and, frankly, I wouldn’t know how.

Okay, Rob, you’re in high school right now. Life seems kind of boring and you’re pretty focused on getting into college. As I recall, it’s pretty much all you think about. You have all of your self worth wrapped up in it and you’re stressing yourself out about grades and AP classes and SAT scores. Here’s the point where most future selves tell their younger selves, “Slow down and enjoy the journey, don’t stress too much.” Not me, homie. You keep that stress up. Get those grades because, brother, I’m gonna be coasting on the work that you’re doing now for a long time. Beer and foosball are coming for your work ethic and they’re ruthless.

Sorry, I shouldn’t have told you that. #spacetimecontinuum

But hey, listen, man, you know how you’re awkward with girls and it’s really hard for you to get a girlfriend? Yeah… I’ve got nothin’ for ya, champ. Some stuff you just have to live with. Not that it’ll make any difference but start to look at what you’re bringing to the table. I don’t know, maybe lay off the oversized plaid from the sales rack at Abercrombie and Fitch? Also, you’re not a “nice guy,” you’re a virgin. Everyone’s nice when the stakes are low. You won’t be a virgin forever but it’ll happen way past the national average age but you already knew that. Still Catholic, huh? Cool cool cool.

Look, I’ll tell you this: your life is alright. You’re behaving in ways that I wish you could change but you don’t know how yet. I’m just figuring out some of it now. Some of it we’re never going to fix. I think that’s just how it goes. There are some lucky breaks and some tragic events heading your way. You’re going to live through all of it and it’s going to be okay. That’s all I wanted to say.

Well, one other thing, Rob. You don’t like Phish and, buddy, it’s okay, you really don’t have to. Stop pretending.

Alright, fuck it, last thing. And dude, you cannot tell anybody that I told you this… but Donald Trump is the president. Yeah, the asshole with the hotels in New York that you found tacky in the seventh grade. Unfortunately he’s not just some benign buffoon, he’s a nightmare. Everyone is freaked out. It’s insane.

Okay, hit the books. Oh, and tape every episode of The State that you can on VHS. I don’t have time to explain, just do it.