I have something to confess. I haven’t done anything for the November 6th election. I haven’t made a phone call. I haven’t sent a text. I haven’t knocked on a door.

I’m going to vote and I hope that everyone does. I’ve always believed that voting matters and I find the opinion that it’s a waste of time to be the bastion of the far too self satisfied.

So, to everyone who has been vocal and passionate and dedicated to doing something, your energy has rubbed off on me. I will vote on Tuesday. I find no real power in my vote, though, because all that will do is help Democrats get elected in New York State.

I can’t defend myself for not taking action. I’ve never been a politically active person. The first time that I was moved to act was in 2016.* The fear of a President Tump had me phone banking, calling people in Florida. And on election day, my friend Julie and I drove down to Reading, Pennsylvania to go door to door to get out the vote.

Both the calls and the door to door visits were inspiring. I spoke to a disabled man in Florida who said he had trouble leaving the house but he’d do anything to help. A woman smoking on her porch in Reading asked if we could get a letter written by her granddaughter to Hillary.

But there was also the woman who snapped, “How do I get you people to stop calling?” And so many of the people either didn’t pick up or weren’t home.

I did what I could but my contribution felt so small. I know that’s no reason to stop trying. If anything, it’s reason to push forward but something is stopping me.

It’s easy to say that it feels futile. It’s more a combination of fear and confusion. I read articles saying that millenials won’t be voting and that the Kavanaugh hearings have fired up Republicans to further solidify their position in government. It’s the signature of these times that with so much news swilling around – most of it generated by our president – that it’s not that I don’t know what to believe, it’s that I don’t know what’s significant anymore.

I also think that we live in a world where people voted for Donald Trump and those people are not backing down from that choice and if the evidence, i.e. his behavior, can’t get them to change their vote, my phone call won’t either.

I have hope. I always do. I see so many of my friends out there trying to do something. I’m hoping that this time they can carry me. I’ll be voting on Tuesday morning and praying on Tuesday night.