I’ve been unable to leave my house a few times in my life.

In the eighth grade there was an ice storm in Rochester, NY. The weight of the ice caused trees to fall into some houses and tree branches to fall on and sever power lines. School closed. There was no power. My family and some neighbors got together for meals. After a while, it felt like a completely different life.

During the 2005 transit strike, my boss and I tried to get to work in a car one day. It took literally an hour to go four blocks. I went back to my apartment to “work from home.” It seemed like I would never get back to the city. One day, I walked from Williamsburg Brooklyn to Union Square out of boredom.

During Hurricane Sandy, I stayed in my apartment in Park Slope. I had some survivor’s guilt because I didn’t lose power or anything. I didn’t even lose cable. They shut down the subways between Manhattan and Brooklyn and I couldn’t believe how isolated I felt. The streets of Brooklyn seemed to swell with people who couldn’t leave.

All of those periods lasted about a week.

Today is day twelve of staying in my apartment by myself.

Let’s get into it.

I shaved my beard and kept the mustache and with a few days of not shaving or taking care of my hair, I’m perfecting the 90’s era Bruce Willis hungover detective look.

I stand by my pants rule mainly because I broke it last week. I stayed in my underwear all day for one day last week and I just felt wrong. So yesterday I wore khakis and a button down shirt to compensate.

I’ll be better this week. I am, however, sad to report that wearing the t-shirt that I slept in does not violate the pants rule. Also, as of this writing, I have established no bathing requirements.

Last week was the first full week of working from home and I’ve been surprised how good that’s been. In the past, I was bad at it. When I was freelancing, I didn’t have anyone to check in with. There were no producers or designers or copy editors also working from home that were part of my team. I also didn’t have a proper work station* like I do now. Working from home while part of a company is a million times better than freelancing.

*a second monitor to augment screen space on my laptop, that’s all it takes

Our worlds are getting smaller. But honestly my world was already small. So, my life is similar but without the FOMO. Although, fear of missing out means that you actually wanted to attend the event or events that you’re missing. What I’ve often had was more like a wish to be absolved from the guilt of not wanting to go in the first place.

AFTGONWTGITFP.

Anyway, my world is basically 400 square feet now. My battles are small but winnable.

I realized yesterday I was down to one roll of paper towels. then I found a drawer full of takeout napkins and felt like a damn genius.

I did yoga in my apartment over zoom yesterday. It was the most twenty-first century moment of my life thus far. It should have been narrated by Tom Selleck. (Look up the “You Will” AT&T ads. Why not? You’ve got time.)

If ever there was a time to read Infinite Jest it would be now. And I’m not. When this is all over, I think I’m going to have to thank that book for its service and let it go.

This past weekend I mopped my hardwood floors and Windexed my windows. Or as forty-three year olds would say it, I partied pretty hard.

You know what? It doesn’t matter how fast you scroll through Netflix or Amazon Prime, the movies don’t get more enticing. Also, there’s a movie called Drunk Parents with Alec Baldwin and Salma Hayek. That movie exists and it came out in 2019.

I’ve been drinking like a kid on spring break or like a forty-three year old who has very little reason not to get rid of the beer and wine in his house left over from his birthday party.

I’m still running, which I am very thankful for, but I’m running around people into the street to maintain social distance. So, I’m running into traffic for safety.

Just for the record, I have a pack of hot dogs in my fridge. It’s only because it was some of the only meat left* when I went to Whole Foods (during the first panic trip). God, I hope I can track down some buns.

* besides ground veal and I’m no vegan but I’m not a monster

I panicked when I ran out of coffee but there was a cool stand at the farmer’s market on Sunday. This guy was selling his own coffee from his family’s own farm in Colombia. I found a new kick ass brand of coffee. Let’s just hope they don’t start shutting down farmer’s markets soon.

I finished Parks and Recreation in its entirety. I watched Hunters and was disappointed. Pacino is better in this than in The Irishmen but it was a bit too Mod Squad for me and the villain missed the mark. They were trying too hard to make him an ice cold psycho killer. Dude, he’s a Nazi, just get out of your own way, you know?

I also rewatched Ken Burns Baseball because I have that kind of time. There are two more new ones that cover the Red Sox and steroids.

I also watched Zombieland 2: Double Tap. It was the only apocalypse movie I can handle right now. And let me tell you, if you liked the first one, you know, you can just rewatch that.

An onion that I bought sprouted. I’m trying to grow it. I also bought a baking dish online from Williams Sonoma and when it gets here I’m going to make homemade mac and cheese with it. I am genuinely excited about both things.

I hope I’m not coming across as flippant about the pandemic. But I need to be honest, my anxiety is low because I’m following the rules. It’s a strange thing to learn about myself. If shit goes south, I know that I did what I was told. I find comfort in that. I know I’m not out there inadvertently infecting someone. I’m not getting in the way of health care providers.

Also, I feel like we’re all in this together. I’ve reached out and heard from more friends since everything shut down than I have in a long time.

In an ironic twist, though, I’m essentially conditioning myself to be agoraphobic.

And here’s one trick, New Yorkers. When you get scared about the latest number of cases in NYC alone, divide that number by 8.6 million. I don’t know. It helps me.