If I were going to get a tattoo, it would have to satisfy two criteria. One, it would have to have meaning. Two, it would have to look cool. Sounds simple enough.

It’s not.

My friend Pat has two tattoos. One is on his forearm. His friend Jason, an artist, designed it. He, J, and J’s brother all have the same one. He also has an infinity symbol that doesn’t connect, a “broken infinity” if you will. That’s for his Rochester friends, of which I am one. My friend Dave has a broken infinity on his shoulder blade, though it’s a much different design. I believe it’s a tribute to a friend.

My girlfriend has nine tattoos and she’ll be getting a tenth. They all have meaning for her.

Point being, satisfying the two criteria can be done.

The most obvious tattoo would probably be a tribute to my parents, though that’s a no can do given that my mom hated tattoos. She thought they were low class. When my cousin Frankie started getting tattoos, my mother was aghast by proxy simply at the implication that someone in her son’s gene pool could get them.

What would I get as a tribute to my parents, though? Their birth to death years? Their faces? Morbid and weird, respectively.

I like sleeves, where your entire arm is taken up with designs. That’s cool but also, kind of earned. You need to build to that, I think. I kind of like the shoulder tattoo that is just slightly longer than the sleeve of your t-shirt.

The following areas are out: neck, face, skull, hands. Not my scene.

I’ve been told not to get colors because they fade. I’ve also be told to stick to line designs. But tattoos don’t just age physically, they style ages too. Not everyone can afford to get that barbed wire around their bicep removed.

I once saw a bartender in Williamsburg who had tattoos all up and down her arms. She didn’t have sleeves, just several strategically placed symbols. They were all kind traditional tattoos, I remember.  Horseshoes and swallows, maybe even an anchor. She had bottle blond hair and she wore a black t-shirt. She was going for a classic but also kitschy look. And the look worked… then. Who knows what that woman is up to now, maybe always wearing long sleeves to her law firm, I don’t know.

When I think of something meaningful, I think of my hometown. I think of Rochester. I’ve ruled out a garbage plate tattoo. A tattoo of a can of Genny Cream Ale would be cool for about six months, tops. That leaves two other options. The first would be the Rochester Flower City symbol (pictured to the left) or – and I can’t believe I’m saying this – a line drawing of a lilac.

Rochester is the Flower City because it used to be the Flour City but that industry dried up and then they just decided to plant lilacs everywhere and start a yearly Lilac Festival to keep the name.

I don’t think either is going to cut it. The Rochester symbol is kind of cool if you’re not in Rochester, when you’re in Rochester, it’s on every park sign. It’s utilitarian civic symbol. And a lilac? Look, I have no problem with something floral but, I mean, it’s a lilac. I just can’t picture feeling good answering the question, “Hey man, what’s your tattoo?” Oh, uh, it’s a lilac. “Really? Why?” Because Rochester.

Is there anything that I would like so much that I would want it tattooed on my body?

I started following artists on instagram. There’s cool stuff out there but because of either fear or indecision, nothing jumps out at me. I was saying this all one day and my girlfriend said, “Maybe you just don’t want a tattoo.”

Two criteria! Something that looks cool and has meaning! And I can’t think of anything.

Or maybe I should just go into a walk in place and get anything just so I don’t feel like such a coward. I think if you’re sober and you mean it, an artist would do it. Just walk in and say, “Gimme whatever, let’s just get this over with.”