I’ve never recapped an episode of The Bachelorette before so, I’ll assume that you have very little prior knowledge of this show other than it is a reality show in which a women chooses a man from a pool of suitors, thinning the herd week by week, offering a rose to those who will stay during the rose ceremony.

This past week was Hometowns. Our Bachelorette Hannah is down to four guys and it’s getting serious so she goes home to meet each of their families. The four guys are: Peter, Tyler C., Jed, and Luke P.

Luke P. is a piece of garbage.

We need to talk about the normals Peter and Tyler C. quickly. They’re both good guys and could be good for Hannah.

Peter’s family was a little enthusiastic with their German family dinner cheer (didn’t Peter also have a saying from his Spanish grandmother?) but they seemed like sweet people. I’m also pretty sure that there has to be a cross around someone’s neck in every single shot of this show. Peter Sr. had a fat one on.

We got to see Tyler’s reunion with his father who had been going through serious health problems. They hadn’t seen each other since Tyler started the show. They hugged and said I love you and it was lovely. Not sure if Tyler is ready for a commitment but I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

But no one is watching this show anymore for the decent ones. We’re watching to see if Hannah finally comes to her senses about Luke P. and gets rid of him. Because, people, he’s got to go.

Again, I feel like I have to fill you in. Picture Bryce Harper (baseball player for the Phillies, talented but immature and hot-tempered, google him) who lifts weights and gaslights women and has a possessive streak.

It’s hard to convey the hatred he inspires because it truly built all season and now it’s got a head of steam. Here’s the highlight reel:

• Told Hannah he was falling in love with her… in the second episode
• Convinced he had it in the bag, he started acting really possessive causing Hannah to tell him to back off on multiple occasions
• Refers to all positive interactions other contestants have with Hannah as a slap in the face to him
• Completely unnecessarily body slammed Luke S. in a rugby game
• Luke S. said, “Tell Hannah the truth about that interaction,” which Luke P. turned into, “Luke S. said I needed to put in a good word about him to you.”
• And from then on talking behind other guys backs to Hannah became Luke’s m.o. despite repeatedly being told to stop, then doing it, then being confronted again, then doing it again

The other guys can’t stand him. Hannah has had several frustrating circular conversations with him where he twists words around and evades any real scrutiny or self examination. He’s frustrating. He’s awful. He should be gone.

Here’s my theory about Luke P.: Hannah just really wants to have sex with him. She’s wanted to since the beginning, before she knew his personality and she’s not ready to let that go. So, she’s looking for any evidence of depth, any at all, to justify keeping him around. She’s flailing. Hard.

I honestly think Hannah should go off with Luke and screw his brains out so she can get her head right. Only then will she be able to take an honest look at this dude and say, “Oh, right, he’s awful.”

So, Hannah goes to see Luke’s family in Georgia and holy shit even Luke’s family is full of gaslighters! Every conversation went something like this:

Hannah: Yeah, I’ve had a difficult time and a lot of ups and downs with Luke.

Luke’s Dad: Well, that’s not Luke! If you knew the real Luke, you’d know he’s great!

Hannah: There were other times with Luke where I had to tell him to back off.

Luke’s Brother: Well, that’s not Luke! If you knew the real Luke, you’d know he’s great!

Did Luke give them a script?

So, they go to Luke’s Christian group because that’s the straw that Hannah is currently grasping at. “Faith! Yes! You can’t be a Christian and be this shitty. This hints at something deeper to Luke!”

Luke testifies about turning towards the Lord. And he repeats the exact same busted story from last episode that got him a rose over Garrett. Luke was in college and he was partying and chasing sex. Then one day he went into the shower and God told him to let go.

Motherfucker, THAT’S NOT A STORY.

Unless you wake up in Tijuana (and you’re from Maine) and you look like you’re doing kabuki theater from all the cocaine on your face and you’re surrounded by prostitutes each of whom is holding a switchblade to your scrotum and yelling at you in broken English, “Where’s my money?” then your story of the moment you turned to Christ ain’t that good.

The hometown visit with Luke was more of the same. Luke talks without saying anything. He says things that a contrite person would say but you know he’s only saying them because he thinks he’s supposed to. (I loved last episode when he said to Hannah, “But, look, now we’re back on the right track,” and she said, essentially, no we’re not.)

I don’t think he loves Hannah. I think he wants to win this show and I think he wants to possess Hannah. But at the end he says I love you to her and she rides away saying to the audience at home. “I think I’m falling in love with Luke P.”

It’s like watching a goddamn horror movie and yelling at the screen, “Look behind you! He’s a narcissist! A narcissist! Look behind you!”

Finally, let’s talk about Jed.

It’s darkly funny how much his family hates Hannah. I didn’t think a southern family was that incapable of hiding disdain but I was wrong. Jed’s mother, father, and sister were all far more concerned about Jed’s music than any relationship that might come along.

Hannah: I’ve already told Jed I love him.

Jed’s mom: Do you say that to all of them?

Daaaaaaaaaaaamn. Hannah said “no” but just asking that question makes it rhetorical.

So, we end the episode as we often do, at the rose ceremony. Four men left. Three roses to give out. Peter and Tyler C. get roses as they should because they are both decent human beings.

Then Hannah breaks down. She leaves the room. She’s crying a little bit. She’s confused. Yeah, this is some guilty pleasure reality show but this is Hannah’s life. I get it. I couldn’t do what she’s doing.

But she’s crying because she can’t quit Luke! I know that’s the damn reason! She knows she’s supposed to pick Jed over Luke but she wants Luke!

“Bitch, look behind you! He’s a narcissist!”

While Hannah collects herself in another room, the four guys wait. As they mill around Peter, Tyler, and Jed don’t go anywhere near Luke. They really can’t stand him.

“Hannah, look! Look! He’s poison!”

Hannah comes back out and Chris Harrison gives Hannah a fourth rose. “I want to continue with all of you,” she says.

They bent the rules for Hannah. Jed got a rose but he was pissed that she couldn’t choose between him and Luke P. Perhaps that’s judgmental of Hannah but he’s seen Luke’s behavior behind her back and he has a point.

Next week is fantasy suites and Luke P.’s downfall. They’ve been teasing us with it for weeks because otherwise we’d stop watching. But Luke P. crosses a line and Hannah takes him down Luke like Denzel taking down kidnappers in Man on Fire.

And so we come to the paradox of reality television shows as embodied by Luke P.: he’s an awful person that I would never want to spend time with but he keeps me coming back to watch week after week.