I always really liked the part of The Actor’s Studio where James Lipton* would ask the guest his signature questions. The ten questions were made popular by the French series “Bouillon de Culture” hosted by Bernard Pivot, which is the most pompous explanation for anything that I’ve ever heard.

* I had a boss who studied playwriting in the first class of The Actor’s Studio MFA program and he always referred to James Lipton as Jimmy and said he was actually a cool guy. I don’t buy it.

I was always the most intrigued by the two questions about professions toward the end, questions eight and nine, “What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?” and “What profession would you not like to do?”

I thought about this recently because of the Mets’ most epic loss ever. On July 31st, they lost to the Washington Nationals 25-4. All of their relief pitchers blew it to the point where Jose Reyes pitched an inning. And that’s when I remembered that my answer to “What profession would you like to attempt” was always “relief pitcher.”

But I actually have more. I’m also excluding writer, actor, and web developer because, while the former two are not my profession and I am not wildly successful in the latter, I still participate in these things often. I want to think of things that I don’t do at all that I might enjoy.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Relief Pitcher

Like I said, this always pops in my head when I hear the question. But why would an anxiety ridden, thin-skinned person, obsessive want to do this?

I’m intrigued by the specificity of the skill. Relief pitchers have to do one thing and one thing only: throw strikes. It’s deceptively simple but incredibly difficult and high pressure. They have to be ready at any time and come in during any situation. They also go from team to team year after year and they face batters that used to be teammates.

But through all the pressure, through all the change, they can focus. Throw strikes. Get the batter out. There’s a purity to that that I find really intriguing.

Investigative Journalist

This just seems cool. Putting the system on trial. Secret meetings with whisteblowers in parking garages (they’re always in parking garages). Woodward. Bernstein. The world of journalists just seems like the coolest club where everyone wears a tweed blazer and commiserates over scotch. Also, you get to write or whatever.

Architect/Civil Engineer/House Flipper

I love real estate porn: looking at listings for million dollar homes in Manhattan and the Hamptons. I also love to walk through beautiful New York neighborhoods and see the one house or brownstone or building that’s run down and neglected and thinking, “How would I restore that? What would it take?”

A lot of the houses on my walk home are worth millions of dollars and twenty years ago they were worth tens of thousands. It’s all kind of fascinating.

Mechanic

The funny part about this is I don’t particularly like cars. I just love having a skill. I love the idea of taking a junk car and “fixing it up” whatever the hell that means. Or “restoring it”? Or maybe I just want to look under a hood one day and know what to do.

Creative Writing Teacher

This one should be pretty self explanatory. I love workshopping stories. I don’t even care if any of my students ever got published, the act of talking about stories is just great. I think I’d have to publish a novel to ever make this happen.

Bartender

There’s an authoritative cool to bartenders. I also like the idea of being able to make any drink that anyone asks for. I would want to be well versed in it all to suggest something that someone might like. I don’t know if I’d want to be like a mixologist or a sommelier type or just a craft beer snob (I’d have to grow my beard a lot longer for that going by every craft beer centered bartender I’ve ever met). Incidentally, bartenders are the only Americans who say “cheers” when they mean “thanks” and it doesn’t annoy the hell out of me.

Cafe Owner/Barista

There’s a coffee place two blocks from my apartment called Cafe Martin. The proprietor was a guy named – you guessed it – Martin. He opened it in the morning and closed it at night (actually another employee would fill in in the afternoons and close up but you get the idea). It’s a small place that serves great coffee.

Recently, Martin sold it to someone who used to work for him. She’s cool and I’m jealous. It just seems like a cool gig.

Wood Worker/Furniture maker

Yeah, like Aiden in Sex and the City. Judge the hell out of me. I deserve it.

Basically I like activities where I can master a skill or make something. But what about the next question?

What profession would you not like to do?

Doctor

As I’ve said elsewhere, biology was my least favorite science subject. Med school and residency never appealed to me. I feel guilty about it because medicine is such a noble thing but I find the human body gross and I don’t want to deal with it. I also think hospitals are ugly and depressing and I couldn’t stand going into one every day.

The Military

This is for the sake of America. You don’t want me in any branch of the armed forces. You want people better than I am. I don’t particularly like being ordered around. I don’t like guns. I don’t like pain. I’m the kind of person that can put good soldiers in danger on the battlefield.

Police Officer

For the same reasons listed above but the domestic version. Remember Pryzbylewski from The Wire? I’d be like that as a cop. I’d probably be clever enough to help sometimes but I’d probably shoot the wrong person in the street.

Salesman (Of Anything)

Any profession that relies on charming people or having any facility with false confidence is not for me. Quotas and commissions would make my anxiety flare.

Service Industry

I know this is ironic given that I said Barista and Bartender above. Somehow having a bar in between you and your customer gives you the option of being surly. What I mean here are positions along the line of server, flight attendant, greeter, any position where it’s part of the job to be pleasant to people. I can’t do it. If I force it, people can tell and it comes across as creepy.

Oh, and here are theother answers to the questionnaire: friend, moist, possibility, obligation, fuck, classical music, lips smacking, 8, 9, “I exist, you owe me twenty bucks.”