ENGLAND WON! ENGLAND IS IN TO THE SEMIFINALS FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 1990! IT’S A GODAMN MIRACLE! Oh, and a few things Tony Adams and Nick Hornby, you gooner sons of bitches, as far as your “Our England squad is weak because of all of the Spurs players on it…” goes, you can shove that up your ass. There have been three England World Cup squads to make it to the semifinals. On all of those rosters, there have been two (TWO!) Arsenal players. George Eastham in 1966 (Wow, you mean THE George Eastham?! The guy who wasn’t half the striker Jimmy Greaves was?) and Danny Welbeck (who’s a damn Mancunian, if you’re a gooner and you’re not from London, at least have the decency to be from France or The Netherlands) in 2018. Right now our squad is captained by a Spurs player and of the five penalty takers – who for once did not lose a penalty shootout! – three of them are Spurs and all three made their penalties. So kiss my lilywhite ass.
Sorry, everyone, but that felt good. Also, I was four for four in my quarterfinal picks.
Uruguay vs. France
I wanted Uruguay to lose simply because I hate Luiz Suarez (man, I say that a lot, I’m a little sad that I won’t have cause to say that again for a little while) but it turns out that without Edinson Cavani, Uruguay just isn’t the same team. During the game, the announcers said, “Luiz Suarez is behaving himself.” They meant he’s not bitten or racially abused anyone. That’s how low the bar is for that guy. Mbappe was not the revelation in this game that he was in previous games and I felt bad for Muslera’s mistake in saving Griezmann’s goal but it was a good result and the better team won.
Belgium vs. Brazil
I started talking about the World Cup by telling people to shut up about diving but I think that Neymar and Brazil made me go against my own instincts. In Brazil’s game against Mexico, I thought Neymar literally tore his ACL or had an awful injury the way he was violently jerking around on the ground in agony on the sideline. Then I saw the replay. His ankle was stepped on – and that’s not nothing – but it was kind of light and not worthy of his performance.
The refs knew and they gave him nothing. I think the ref even erred on the side of not ever giving any Brazilians the benefit of the doubt. Anything short of a Saw sequel in the box was not going to get Brazil any kind of penalty.
But enough about Brazil, Belgium are the real deal. Their first goal, admittedly, was an own goal off the arm of Fernandinho but that second goal was a thing of beauty. Lukaku maneuvered in the midfield – which he’s not supposed to be able to do that well, honestly, being a big, fast striker – to set up de Bruyne for a cracker of a shot to put Belgium up 2-0. Brazil drew one back but it was too late. Courtois was rock solid and it was cool to see Fellaini and Chadli awarded with starting roles after their game against Japan.
England vs. Sweden
Thank God England won. Starting with Southgate’s most trusted lineup, England got the job done. Harry Maguire’s goal off of a corner set my mind at ease and then Dele Alli’s header put the game to bed. It was awesome. England are going to the semis. Let’s hope the result is better than Turin in 1990.
Russia vs. Croatia
Alright, what the hell was this game? I seriously thought that the fix was in for Russia. Croatia looked so sluggish on the field that I thought that each of them might have found a bullet on their pillow with a personal note from Vladimir Putin the night before the game. Cheryshev’s strike to open the scoring was, however, a thing of beauty and if that had been the only game of the match, Russia’s victory would have been earned. But it wasn’t. Croatia luckily grabbed one back and then this odd odd odd game continued where I kept wondering if Croatia was trying to lose. They took Perisic off after he hit the post with what would have been the winning goal. Then, in overtime, instead of subbing out the injured keeper Subasic, they put on Vedran Corluka, who I thought was long past his national team days in addition to being slower than your grandmother.
Then, in the first overtime, Domagoj Vida (the one with that haircut, the douchebag viking cut) had a slow header that somehow meandered into the goal. At that point, I thought, if this game is fixed, then these Russians are on a suicide mission. But then Mario Fernades scored on a header off of a set piece the resulted from a just plain dumb handball outside the box. (Fernandes, incidentally is a Brazillian born, naturalized citizen of Russia. Who knew?) Croatia’s marking was sparse to say the least. Was the fix back on? What was happening.
I’ll save you the suspense, Croatia won on penalties. But that game was not fun to watch. England now face a Croatia team that couldn’t put the worst team in the tournament away and have played 120 minutes two games in a row.
Semifinal Predictions
France vs. Belgium
Mbappe, Pogba, and Griezmann are good. Lukaku, de Bruyne, and Hazard are better. Belgium impressed me in their win over Japan by brining on depth from their squad and finding a way to win. They also knocked out perennial World Cup favorites Brazil. I just want to see them win. I’m going with Belgium.
England vs. Croatia
England. You’ve read this far, right? I’m going with England. A different Croatia might show up on Wednesday, the Croatia that made Argentina look like amateurs. But even if they do, England has some momentum. I’m also going to predict a goal from Raheem Sterling in this semi. He was knocking on the door all day, just not getting it right. It’s going to click for him at some point. I think it will be Wednesday.
